surprisingly,

hi blog, i havent updated you in a long long time.

lets just say ive been busy and really.. i have.

been here and there, and thankfully not alone.

Sometime ago, coincidentally, i went out with someone for the first time and that first time wasnt the last time.

been having mixed feelings about it, good mixed feelings. even if there were bad feelings, it was towards me myself.

i didnt believe in all that shit before him if you know what i mean. it was just PURELY single4lyfe.

and then things changed, it really did.

i hope things stay that way. ive so much to say but its just all in my mind now.

AGAIN, i hope things on family side would get better :(

nothing to say, fullstop.

i sit in front of the computer now, thinking of what to type. i typed out what i was thinking, doing, but never actually given a thought on what is it for. self reflection maybe? although ive alot of free time at hand now, just solely thinking of what my future holds for me, makes my heart heavy, my day seemed darker, time seemed faster.

this year, i feel myself change as a person, towards everything. and when i say everything, i do mean everything. how i view things and shit like that. is it part of growing up? i do find it easier to love than hate someone, forgive and forget. hating someone, takes so so much energy. its scary sometimes, how hating a person can make you think of him/her so much, and then planning on how to destroy him/her, makes you hate the person more. honestly now, i hate no one, no one. no one in my family, no one within my group of friends, no one in my life. it just gets boring after awhile ha ha. and just trying to like them for who they are, even knowing you have no clue whether they're trying to like you themselves, just makes you feel...lighter.

random thought:
"im scared, my ultimate fear, is death. death of someone i know, despite being close or not. that sucks, i know. "everyone's gonna have to go through it one day" this sentence has been repeatedly reminded to me by everyone. and they've seem to be okay with it, embrace life one might say. "

for me its time to embrace sleep, so goodnight.

-loss of directions

-ask for directions.

how i wish sometimes life comes with a map, a map that'll guide us through everything, plans laid out for us, choices already made. but yet again, of course, the first three words says it all. how-i-wish.

i got my results, and lets just say its a blessing and a curse all mashed up together occupying a large space in my head. Mom and sis are off to malaysia for the weekends. getting bored of my playlist as well. Listening to covers on youtube even.

you guys know those flatline that appears on the screeen when someone pass on? yeah thats me right now.
only thing kept me focus for awhile is the "job" im having now.

Taking care of premature thinking kids definitely doesnt sounds hard,but i think its worth a try for everyone. i really admire the strength of the primary school teachers, they have to be patient with the kids lie every 5 days of the week? im not even like 15 mins with them and im talking to myself already.
Come to think of it, something came across my mind today. Todays session was\.. i admit the most tiring, maybe cuz of the lack of air conditioning but the pupils. THEY ARE !@#$$%^
i dont even know how to describe primary school students, they are just omg yes butt heads!
i swear.
POSITIVE THINKING- i took the best class today. 6A, oh yah, i was relieved and so sure that ok maybe the best wont let me down. but noooooooooo freakinggg wayyyyy. i was definitely proved wrong.
they were not noisy, they paid attention, they listen to instructions, all i know is that their active participation/responses, were DEFINITELY CLASSIFIED :FAILED STONING.
it was that bad that i was kinda responding to myself, BEGGING, them to volunteer their ass up the stage and yeah. there were times when of course im like ok they're not that bad, and then the next thing is frustration resent everything building up.
EVEN WHEN I WAS SCOLDING THEM, I HAD TO DO IT WITH A SMILE!
at one point, i give up and say, whatever, you guys wanna lose your recess? GO AHEAD.
__(this didnt came up of course)
the girls the girls the girls, were sooooo behaved, IN OTHER WORDS FREAKING QUIETTT.
thats not good obviously.
All in all, at the end of the day, i kinda think 6A isnt such a bad class after all, maybe the reason behind them being so... non-interactive, is because they kinda focus on PSLE ratther than having fun? i could tell, that theyre from probably really good families.

there was this boy, Maaz, he was good, cute, small sized, attentive. you could tell from the seriousness on his face that he is the silent genius kind. there was this page we needed to do, and he impressed me with the FAVOURITE SHOWS: BONES, CRIMINAL MINDS.
times deifintely catching up.

im tired, reallly tired. told kaeden i would update my blog today and i did, with my eyes half closed.
AND I HAVE EFFING SCHOOL TMRW. __
watched downloaded movies till my thighs are like BIGGGGGGGGGGG.
wise choices, are led by yourself and carved on your own.
Ardz.

With every action, theres a reaction.

hey, just watched a selena gomez series, i know i know, why selena, but idk, it was just some videos i came across. okay basically its about her meeting the world as she goes around for her signing and stufff? i dont love love love her, but after watching the video i realise i can really relate to her and i think she giving her honest opinions on being a young star really made sense to me.
she aspired to be somebody in the media industry when she grew up, and now she is someone, who not only achieved what she wanted, but also achieved inspiring others throughout the world. watching the videos made me realise that i am still far from reaching my goals, sadly, i probably have to wait longer to be who i want to be.
Education or Dreams?
which come first?
thats a questions ive been pondering about for sometime. Education obviously needed in the world now, and dreams? something that defines the person. One can just give all up and achieve his or her dream. why not me? Fear. fear of losing everything. ive to be prepared.

Anyway, tmrw is the day i get my result. it determines everything. i feel nervous, the bad nervous. because im rly unsure on what to do if i dont make it. all i can do now?

is pray.

familiar.

havent slept since yesterday. tired but not.

a little bit blurred with my schedule all along.

actually forgot what i wanted to blog about.. but in the end the familiar thought caught me back again. anyway, fine i gotta admit that my life has been more on the downside since idk when. what made me kinda look forward growing up is the goal that dream that i want to do in the future. haha and many of you all might not know but i wanna be a star, not literally mariah carey star but just maybe someone involved in the media industry. i wanna be who i am and share it with the world that kinda thing, but now, that dream seem to fade as i grow. it starts to shift into the unreachable category.

maybe its a low confident, low self esteem kinda thing, but i just feel that i cant make it since im more "exposed" now. and maybe cause i fear the people who seem they can make it out in life better than i do. Some would say, just stick to your dream, if you believe in yourself thats what matters. but now , even believing for me is starting to turn into a doubt.

life just makes me wanna deal with it one at a time, instead of creating some illusion that people telll me that i should focus on achieving that goal whatsoever.

it has reach a stage where me myself, got lost somehow, and just cant be bothered to find my way back.

is that how i should feel?

goodbye.

Someone tell me what should i do,

Dear diary,
this week has been a rough time for me, i cry before i sleep more often as usual waking up to swollen eyes. sometimes, i dont know why i can be in such situations even if i dont want to, well thats life isnt it?
Recently, ive been having problems that i end up adding up th numbers in my wishlist. i wish for house for me to live in, just a room by myself. that at least ive my own space to revolve around, when in reality ive been revolving around the world outside. i wish, for my mom to see whats right and whats wrong. i think with that sad note, i have to say it would definitely be better. I respect my mother, which is possibly why i dont mention this to her. i may have to wait for myself to grow up first then be able to independent.
You know, im sure people dont have such impression of me having so much things on my wishlist considering how lucky i seem i am, everyone surely wants every other person to see them as this perfect white wall without any stains or vandalism or cracks,
My wall, has been painted over again and again for many times, and im getting tired of painting. im getting tired of having to cover up th ugly cracks or harsh prints left on the wall.
I may be careless sometimes, i may be dumb, i may be ridiculously selfish, i think the reason might be cause im scared? my fear of losing what i luckily have. i think everyones like that actually, is just whether they show it. Knowing the risk that you might lose something important to you is a scary thing.
Another thing, i remember once, someone asked me:"why do you like to stayover at people's house?"
At once i replied:"its fun, i get to have more time with my friends!"
Then i come to realise some other day that..its merely a coverup for my fear. My fear of being hurt when im at home, fun is an understatement. its just my above white lie that i use. i like being at home but i dont like having to face the mounting responsibilities that i end up looking at, thinking about.
I realise im just someone who have the perfect image on how people view me but behind that image, i might just be another lonely person who wishes for more stuff than usual. I want a home, i want a better decision making mother,i want my own house, i want to have the ability to change my life.
So.. someone, anyone, tell me what i should do.


ARDZ.

rush hour.

today was lazy, i went to diana's house to apparently study for awhile. haha, nope i didnt play, but instead i rly did work, i promise.

BIGGGEST ACHIEVEMENT OF THE DAY,: I FASTED.

i did fast today, and was so happy about it. and surprisingly throughout the whole thing i didnt feel hungry at all :) and anyway nadz told me to update my blog so here i am.

tmr which is today, im gonna go malaysia, to celebrate....hari raya!

selamat hari raya everyone :)

im like having a headache on what to bring what to wear what to do. haha hopefully if im lacking anything, MY STEPSISTERS IF YOURE READING THIS,please provide me with what im lacking shhh, haha.

im worried about alot of things. im worried about my grades, im worried about mostly what im gonna do in the future. afraid,fear.

i really wanna do what im interested,which is super huge dream which mostly people will snicker at the thought of it. but im sure when i achieve it , ill just faint haha or just live the dream the next half of my life. im not definite of it but at least i tried, i might say.

OK DONE EMO POST ASIDE.

im hoping to take lots of photos my trip back and shall upload once im back.

alright people, its 4.15, im supposed to go sleep BUT SINCE IM FASTING..^^I NEED TO COOK UP SOMETHING.

alright,bye for now.

Even heroes have the right to plea.

i need a new environment.

i dont like rushy mornings, i dont like cramped messy rooms, i dont like family members who dont care, i dont like having to plug in my earphones in the morning and seem like everythings okay, when the truth is, im just using the music to block out the things that i face, the things i just dont want to deal with. Bad things. And all the time, haha i cant even use most of the time, the music i listen to, are relatively slow,emotional songs,i wouldnt say sad, and because i just nee the low acoustic beat to calm my nerves down. At the same time, the lyrics, is my feelings being sang into my ears.

im not perfect but ill keep trying cause thats what i said i would do from the start.

Sometimes people get blamed for the things they dont do, and no matter how perfect you are, i believe you have been through that. Unfortunately,im one of those who experiences it everyday,everytime.ok maybe not everyday. hahahaha, but the feeling of being accused is definitely not something anyone would like to face. i dont like it. i guess because im the one who knows the truth. the big picture, while sometimes a certain someone who blames you for whatever reason, it doesnt feel right because the person dont know the real reason.

While you do, the accused. . Fighting back, is sometimes not the way out. because youre in the wrong already.

Life sucks? tell me about it.

drinking from an empty cup, expect nothing.

i drank this cup of milo like in 2-3 mins yesterday hahaha :)

milo is awesome, i go night study because of free milo, and i like my cup, inside the cup also got a marking on where you must drink hahahah. ok enough, lets talk about today..

today, wednesday, 18 august, i didnt go to school:((((
and regretted after i woke up like pft okie shall not skip anymore.. i hope. im quite wake now, gonna grab a cup of milo later on. :)

my life feels like im drinking from an empty cup now :(

its like im lost, nothing for me to look forward to, no directions.

i need a parachute, because i know nobody's gonna catch me.

shall see how's school tmrw, and face the desperate situation again :(

goodnight.

@3.26AM

drink plenty of water! for those puasa-ing please always hydrate yourself after one whole day of perservation!

:D

dont mind my loser shirt and crazy hair. hehe i like the bone at my neck!

whhopppiex :) thinking if i should sleep and then go skool or just not sleep :/

wondering aloud.

today, was def a fine day in school, but i was sleeping most of the time. no not as usual haha.

i was talking nadz and fareha and like the usuals about our class, recently alot of my classmates and those who are like my super good friends, are transferring out. :(
and ive been pondering over my options for my future. im a little scared so to say, like a lvls and all, since studying aint my thing. but i promise ill try at least :)

and how i wish i can just leave everything behind, run away and do whatever i want, and be recognised for my work someday. oh man. i just wish i can, wish.

tmrw 's wednesday, the unproductive day of the week, oh my chinese. im really considering going someplace else and not be lost here in MI. thinking of..

plus my interest is not here. i'll think about it and just consider the consequences withdrawing.

right now, i just have to face the current funnannoying 10A4 haha, and omg i created a word funnanoying,something to call ralph.

ok nadz if youre reading this, heres a shoutout to you. and fareha :)

awesome peeps.

Bye for now, ill try and update more sorry!

We're all in this alone.

Dying is only one thing to be sad over... Living unhappily is something else.

came back home at like one plus, had a hectic evening, rushing here and there...

met up reuban phew and went for the gig at blackhole, didnt really go, but went to macs and all then said hi to sathish and nic, nic was stupid and funny and sathish haha goig army on tuesday(Y).

had fun at evelyn's house yesterday and all, and if shes reading this i hope she knows that i love her to the max even if her grandfather doesnt like it that i sleep alot.

craving for ribena now.

webcam with hansoon and havent bathe yet, gross i know, shall bathe after using comp.

shall look forward to a better day!

BFN!

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.

hi,
been a long time since i even updated this shit. evelyn sonia rayan inspired me to haha, might start from now.
stupid evelyn, omg so many things happened today, it was so awesome and evelyn might just be someone that id really love to be good best friends with. she's someone that you probably need to know better and deeper to know who she really is and how she's like.

haha, and sigh, recently got involved in some MI politics, not really drama conflicts but its the like underground kind, hahaha. but still feeling awesome because i know that there are people there for me, no matter what, and they are not those who spread or listens to rumours that are nowhere near the fucking truth. so totally agree with the quote that i used, ugh, the evil in this world is definitely ugly fo' sure.

what does it mean by honesty? honesty of telling the person wat you dont like about her, or honestly just keeping her in the happy bubble of yay im awesome friends with you?

total drastic decision,but from now on, loner pls, the only way out.
save me from all the drama esp from the indians, from my class. (not trying to be racist but true enough, and ONLY SOME) pftt.

Today was parent teacher meeting, dont know why the anxiety from many, probably because of the marks my class got haha, but was quite chill hehehe, funny thing was after the meeting, me and my mom went back to the car and sleep hahahaha.
evelyn's bathing right now, so fun. i love stayovers__ hehe cannot say the f word hehe and i shant.

ok evelyn's grandfather want to watch the news (Y) so cannot use comp alrdy.
k..bfn.

the hols are over tmr. moday shudders.

i should have known you'd bring me heartache.

today is ardini give up totally give up day.
it seems so emo, but today was a fine fine day.
so long.

ardini totally give up day.

there’ll always be someone for you that’ll love you more than you loving yourself, someone that’ll at th same time make you look forward to everyday.

passing through.

@waraku clarke quay on sunday.

i really need udon noodles @liangcourt.

emo day today. so so tired but managed to stay awake during SOME lessons.

listening to my now fave all-time listening song.

im just tired.

TODAY WAS ARDINI GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING DAY.
focus on the was.
focus focus focus.
i love my school people.

need to go out soon, probably gonna go get mah school bag which i heartpain over.
total rip off.
and plus going to meet the gayz with the babex.
wonder if i should go study with nic and raj. we'll see we'll seeee.
boohoo. long day ahead.
hope to hang with ambra soon, miss that gurl.

<3 chao.

the everyday life.

was supposed to work tmr, but i dont think i can. feeling unwell people.

i have so many things to do like wtf. kinda liked this past week.

sanjeev was nice. sort of. and plus MI, getting used to it gradually.

hope i dont get suspended soon though. and hope my worries gonna be gone soon.

next week gonna start flipping through my books and try staying awake during classes man.

all this gotta work.

that secret prayer i say before i got to sleep.

tmr the last day of school, for the week. (duh)
mmph, darn tired, but really enjoy staying back in school.
with ambra,suz,shreedhya,faiz and the seedick gang.
haha. realised everyone have been studying. i must totally start. me dont want retain.

today ended off really quite happily for me :)
because .... most people will think im mad lame.
forget it yawz.

realised this is the second post of my blog.gonna start posting it up i guess.

listening to: secrets, kinda suit my mood.
go ardini.

ARDZ@AIRHEAD-AMMO

HEY SUCKAEZ.

BACK @BLOGGER@AIRHEAD-AMMO.
GOT A NEW COMP. THE NEW SEX FOR ME.

IM EVEN NOT COPYING NOTES BECAUSE OF THIS.

SIAL LA. HUHU. MINAH SIOL.

okay slaps self.

misss school, nope not the lessons not the teachers. the people.