Someone tell me what should i do,

Dear diary,
this week has been a rough time for me, i cry before i sleep more often as usual waking up to swollen eyes. sometimes, i dont know why i can be in such situations even if i dont want to, well thats life isnt it?
Recently, ive been having problems that i end up adding up th numbers in my wishlist. i wish for house for me to live in, just a room by myself. that at least ive my own space to revolve around, when in reality ive been revolving around the world outside. i wish, for my mom to see whats right and whats wrong. i think with that sad note, i have to say it would definitely be better. I respect my mother, which is possibly why i dont mention this to her. i may have to wait for myself to grow up first then be able to independent.
You know, im sure people dont have such impression of me having so much things on my wishlist considering how lucky i seem i am, everyone surely wants every other person to see them as this perfect white wall without any stains or vandalism or cracks,
My wall, has been painted over again and again for many times, and im getting tired of painting. im getting tired of having to cover up th ugly cracks or harsh prints left on the wall.
I may be careless sometimes, i may be dumb, i may be ridiculously selfish, i think the reason might be cause im scared? my fear of losing what i luckily have. i think everyones like that actually, is just whether they show it. Knowing the risk that you might lose something important to you is a scary thing.
Another thing, i remember once, someone asked me:"why do you like to stayover at people's house?"
At once i replied:"its fun, i get to have more time with my friends!"
Then i come to realise some other day that..its merely a coverup for my fear. My fear of being hurt when im at home, fun is an understatement. its just my above white lie that i use. i like being at home but i dont like having to face the mounting responsibilities that i end up looking at, thinking about.
I realise im just someone who have the perfect image on how people view me but behind that image, i might just be another lonely person who wishes for more stuff than usual. I want a home, i want a better decision making mother,i want my own house, i want to have the ability to change my life.
So.. someone, anyone, tell me what i should do.


ARDZ.