Half a year with him, felt so fast. time passes so fast its scary. omg 6 months already after harry potter. Things changed, i would say. i wouldn't say for the better, i wouldn't say for the worse, but i definitely can say much stronger? through the fights and quarrels, we find the both of us trying out best to understand each other more, and figuring our way through this. Yeah, throughout this journey of love, we might stumble and fall, but we have each other at every fall, and every break down. Things might not be perfect, but i don't expect them to be. Because after all, I'm not, and i dont expect him to be, vice versa. sometimes maybe we have to just talk things out. talk things out and get things cleared, because with assumptions and misunderstandings, things would just go terribly wrong. and who would want that?

Happy Halfayearsary Omar Raj.

I love you.

Well, just called him, totally knocked out and everything.

i swear i hate guys who goes out hunting for girls, i hate guys who has a girlfriend and still think that other girls are hot, i hate guys whose eyes wander when they still have someone who loves them so much, i hate guys who just dont appreciate that fact, i hate guys who goes for girls for their appearances, i hate guys who judge girls by their boobs, i hate guys who try their luck around with other girls.

it same applies for girls.

did you go for me just because at that point in time i seem like all that? did you go for me just because im "alright" enough for you? sometimes i feel that way. that feeling of being a reacher. and that feeling really sucks. my morals cant go any lower and im so fucking demoralized now. Did you go for me just because you cant get like anyone better so you SETTLE for me? ohmy.............fucking paranoid thoughts which seem like the only thing that makes sense.

Grown to realise.

2011 has been a tough year for me, and life just throw things at me thinking that i can handle it. But one thing that ive to admit that im starting to grow, and when someone grows, you get reminders inside your head unknowingly, you know what to do, you make decisions, somehow i guess, everyone just grown to realise.

Many things grew this year really, compared to past years. the bond between people, the willingness to forgive and forget, maturity, conscience.

Love for me, has grown, personally and of course towards people, regardless whether its friendly love or love love. I come to realise that hatred/ dislike brings nothing to each other. Its a give and take situation i guess. whats the use of hatred? when we can actually all be somehow be in peace?the reason, why i dont like hate? is because ive actually seen what it can do to people. And i dont like the idea of it i guess? its useless.

Love love? everyone have their ups and downs in relationships i guess, its just how you handle it i guess. and sometimes i guess its alright to have that mindset of thinking :"its me." because who knows? maybe it really is. and im not gonna talk about love problems here because i guess you gotta handle this kind of things yourself, not on your blog.

But i just want to add how love can really make you do so much at one time. it has really put me at a position where because of love i dont care about whats right or wrong ,but as long as the other person is happy. and im grateful for that. it just makes you feel good that because of what youre doing, and it makes someone smile at the end of the day, thats all that is enough.

Friends, wow, till now, i have a few close ones but you know there's some kind of emptiness that just clings on to everyone, showing how lonely they are, making them feel even more empty. That feeling sucks. i swear haha. and sometimes its just that problems you have with yourself that you cant explain. YES IM GOING THROUGH THIS PHASE NOW. Fad went to malaysia until sunday, just realise how nights are more quiet without that capricorn haha. and its like..i dont know who to turn to i guess. and omar's asleep as usual.

And finally myself, i've been reflecting on myself recently alooot.

Im having personal problems i guess. and maybe ill find the person to tell one day, maybe him, when the time's right.

Love

sometimes i would love to think Love as bullshit, some nonsensical belief that has its hands on everyone.

but sometimes Love proves me wrong, when i see myself going all out, when i see myself sacrificing, when i see myself shed tears but still goes back, when i see myself just break down, when i see myself all happy one day and depressed on the other, when i think to myself feeling like im the luckiest girl in the world and thinking that im the loneliest next.

what for?

for that one person, whom we care so much about, whom we love so much, and whom we want to be our whole life.

Many of us, see ourselves, and know that we are hurt we are upset we are disappointed. but yet, Love makes us do crazy things like not giving up, by moving on, by wiping our tears and forcing a smile.

Love. Something that just let us humans lose control.

different perspectives.

hey blog, dum dee dee dum.
blogging is dangerous. even fadhil reads my blog, my unknown blog. ngeh, but dont think he'll read it cuz i told him that im not gonna update here ;p

things have been going really crazy nowadays. i wouldnt have thought 2011 to be the hardest period time for my life. even o lvls wasnt that of a killer.well, maybe its because of love? the love that i have?

im trying my best to keep things together, trying to hold myself, bring myself to smile and be normal as how it used to be. its those moments when one doesnt have a peace of mind, and gradually break down? its hard to describe, but now i understand why do people say love hurts. it does. but when it doesnt, it brings you all the way up, the laughter, the joy, the happiness one can really get out of love is just indescribable. But when waves starts crashing in, one after another, it makes it hard for the one suffering to withstand it anymore. Its easy to say "everythings okay", its easy to say "lets move on", its easy to say "i dont feel hurt anymore",
but its difficult lying. i can lie towards everything,anything. Only towards this matter. Ive kept things inside my heart more than ive could ever imagine. Ive tolerated more than i could have. But ultimately, i too have feelings, i too breakdown,i too have my problems, i too have my insecurities.

I wrote you a letter that day, with the pen in my hand,it ran.i wrote,with angry sadness,i wrote,with tears in my eyes.i wrote,with all the thoughts in my head.Everything, let out,and i realised, i wasnt angry anymore.I realised i wasnt sad anymore.I realised i wasnt scared anymore. Numb. That was the feeling i had. i was tired of feeling angry, i was tired of feeling scared, i was tired of feeling sad. All this emotions, all this confusion, made me wear out after awhile. Im trying my best, but was my best enough?
it wasnt enough to make you stay, it wasnt enough to make you have second thoughts, it wasnt enough to make you care, it wasnt enough to make you understand, it wasnt enough to make you see.

im not complaining, i would do anything for you.

i try to make myself see what you see, thats why i asked. i try to make myself bond with whoever you're close with, i try to do whatever you ask me to do, i try to show you i love, i care,i trust, i bother,i know,i learn,i hope,i want, i need.

most importantly, i try my very best, to make you happy.

isnt that what love is about? making someone you love happy?

I would love not to care, i would love not to bring myself all this pain and torture, i would love not to bring myself to a stage where when im alone, everything starts coming in. But if i start doing the 'i would love not to"s then that's the point, where i stop caring, i stop myself from loving. Its the love that hurts, its the love that brings the sadness, its the love that brings about the understanding between two. its why its called love.
Until now i still dont wanna give up, despite everything, i still want you.
do you want me? do you need me? do you really see?

whats the point of saying all this empty words? when its all said with a heavy heart?

I can easily say, "yes im fine", i can easily say, "i love you", i can easily say,"nothing's wrong".
But thats when our relationship will be built on lies, and lies? they are not known for making your relationship strong. they are known for slowly eating it up, destroying it. we've been through so much together, why not a little while longer? why not forever? why not a lifetime?

i want things to work out, i want things to be how it used to be, i want you to show me you care, i want you to understand, i want you to think of me whatever you're doing, i want you to include me in your life, i want to be a part of it, i want you to love me and only me.

im so hurt that i break down eaily nowadays, i become paranoid, i become depressed,angry,upset,mad,jealous easily. what has happened?

this time, too much tears has fallen, too much pain my heart suffered, too much reminders of what has happened, too much misunderstandings, too much meaningless hugs, too much 'im sorry" This is the part where when one learns to ride a bicycle, and falls too hard, the person has a phoebia of riding again.

hihi okay whats today's date? 18? april?

i dont know how i should be feeling now, im tired of crying im tired of feeling this way, i dont know whats even happening.

i want the moment back again, where we were both very much in love with each other, worrying how we felt about each other, happily laughing. what has caused this?

is it the lack of time? is it the lack of communication? is it the lack of trust?

is it just me?

help me someone, i need to get out of this.

i dont wanna be feeling like this all the time, i need to focus, i need to be independent.

i want to be and need to be.

i want to be that worryfree ardini again.

i guess, we just drift apart.

ive thought about it, i cant bring you happiness.

Mentally ill

hey blog.

everytime i update here is becuz no one knows about my existence in blogging.

theres so much things i want to say, but it comes to a point where maybe venting out here isnt worth my time.

so many things changed, in such a short period of time. i can feel myself changing, and moodswings here and there. whats happening?

i find myself super anal sometimes, but i have nobody to tell things too.

short lived happiness is the perfect phrase to describe my life.

i guess its just me, looking at the lonely times i have alone.

nobody truly understands how i feel, some of them just don't even if they try very hard to.

ive just been through so much things alone in my life, that when i think about it, it seems so easy to cry. and that again is something i do alone. minor silent breakdowns that no one knows about.

am i such a difficult person? i try my best, i really do. something i tell myself all my life, to try my best, for everyone to be happy. but ultimately, im the one left behind.

when will my life get back on track? all i know is the only happiest times i seem to bring and live through, is as a child. but still then, ive brought problems. i really hate myself, i really do. and i admire those,who have the ability to love themselves and their lives.

the only question that's been in my head all this time,

-am i someone worth living?