With every action, theres a reaction.

hey, just watched a selena gomez series, i know i know, why selena, but idk, it was just some videos i came across. okay basically its about her meeting the world as she goes around for her signing and stufff? i dont love love love her, but after watching the video i realise i can really relate to her and i think she giving her honest opinions on being a young star really made sense to me.
she aspired to be somebody in the media industry when she grew up, and now she is someone, who not only achieved what she wanted, but also achieved inspiring others throughout the world. watching the videos made me realise that i am still far from reaching my goals, sadly, i probably have to wait longer to be who i want to be.
Education or Dreams?
which come first?
thats a questions ive been pondering about for sometime. Education obviously needed in the world now, and dreams? something that defines the person. One can just give all up and achieve his or her dream. why not me? Fear. fear of losing everything. ive to be prepared.

Anyway, tmrw is the day i get my result. it determines everything. i feel nervous, the bad nervous. because im rly unsure on what to do if i dont make it. all i can do now?

is pray.

familiar.

havent slept since yesterday. tired but not.

a little bit blurred with my schedule all along.

actually forgot what i wanted to blog about.. but in the end the familiar thought caught me back again. anyway, fine i gotta admit that my life has been more on the downside since idk when. what made me kinda look forward growing up is the goal that dream that i want to do in the future. haha and many of you all might not know but i wanna be a star, not literally mariah carey star but just maybe someone involved in the media industry. i wanna be who i am and share it with the world that kinda thing, but now, that dream seem to fade as i grow. it starts to shift into the unreachable category.

maybe its a low confident, low self esteem kinda thing, but i just feel that i cant make it since im more "exposed" now. and maybe cause i fear the people who seem they can make it out in life better than i do. Some would say, just stick to your dream, if you believe in yourself thats what matters. but now , even believing for me is starting to turn into a doubt.

life just makes me wanna deal with it one at a time, instead of creating some illusion that people telll me that i should focus on achieving that goal whatsoever.

it has reach a stage where me myself, got lost somehow, and just cant be bothered to find my way back.

is that how i should feel?

goodbye.

Someone tell me what should i do,

Dear diary,
this week has been a rough time for me, i cry before i sleep more often as usual waking up to swollen eyes. sometimes, i dont know why i can be in such situations even if i dont want to, well thats life isnt it?
Recently, ive been having problems that i end up adding up th numbers in my wishlist. i wish for house for me to live in, just a room by myself. that at least ive my own space to revolve around, when in reality ive been revolving around the world outside. i wish, for my mom to see whats right and whats wrong. i think with that sad note, i have to say it would definitely be better. I respect my mother, which is possibly why i dont mention this to her. i may have to wait for myself to grow up first then be able to independent.
You know, im sure people dont have such impression of me having so much things on my wishlist considering how lucky i seem i am, everyone surely wants every other person to see them as this perfect white wall without any stains or vandalism or cracks,
My wall, has been painted over again and again for many times, and im getting tired of painting. im getting tired of having to cover up th ugly cracks or harsh prints left on the wall.
I may be careless sometimes, i may be dumb, i may be ridiculously selfish, i think the reason might be cause im scared? my fear of losing what i luckily have. i think everyones like that actually, is just whether they show it. Knowing the risk that you might lose something important to you is a scary thing.
Another thing, i remember once, someone asked me:"why do you like to stayover at people's house?"
At once i replied:"its fun, i get to have more time with my friends!"
Then i come to realise some other day that..its merely a coverup for my fear. My fear of being hurt when im at home, fun is an understatement. its just my above white lie that i use. i like being at home but i dont like having to face the mounting responsibilities that i end up looking at, thinking about.
I realise im just someone who have the perfect image on how people view me but behind that image, i might just be another lonely person who wishes for more stuff than usual. I want a home, i want a better decision making mother,i want my own house, i want to have the ability to change my life.
So.. someone, anyone, tell me what i should do.


ARDZ.