hey blog, dum dee dee dum.
blogging is dangerous. even fadhil reads my blog, my unknown blog. ngeh, but dont think he'll read it cuz i told him that im not gonna update here ;p
things have been going really crazy nowadays. i wouldnt have thought 2011 to be the hardest period time for my life. even o lvls wasnt that of a killer.well, maybe its because of love? the love that i have?
im trying my best to keep things together, trying to hold myself, bring myself to smile and be normal as how it used to be. its those moments when one doesnt have a peace of mind, and gradually break down? its hard to describe, but now i understand why do people say love hurts. it does. but when it doesnt, it brings you all the way up, the laughter, the joy, the happiness one can really get out of love is just indescribable. But when waves starts crashing in, one after another, it makes it hard for the one suffering to withstand it anymore. Its easy to say "everythings okay", its easy to say "lets move on", its easy to say "i dont feel hurt anymore",
but its difficult lying. i can lie towards everything,anything. Only towards this matter. Ive kept things inside my heart more than ive could ever imagine. Ive tolerated more than i could have. But ultimately, i too have feelings, i too breakdown,i too have my problems, i too have my insecurities.
I wrote you a letter that day, with the pen in my hand,it ran.i wrote,with angry sadness,i wrote,with tears in my eyes.i wrote,with all the thoughts in my head.Everything, let out,and i realised, i wasnt angry anymore.I realised i wasnt sad anymore.I realised i wasnt scared anymore. Numb. That was the feeling i had. i was tired of feeling angry, i was tired of feeling scared, i was tired of feeling sad. All this emotions, all this confusion, made me wear out after awhile. Im trying my best, but was my best enough?
it wasnt enough to make you stay, it wasnt enough to make you have second thoughts, it wasnt enough to make you care, it wasnt enough to make you understand, it wasnt enough to make you see.
im not complaining, i would do anything for you.
i try to make myself see what you see, thats why i asked. i try to make myself bond with whoever you're close with, i try to do whatever you ask me to do, i try to show you i love, i care,i trust, i bother,i know,i learn,i hope,i want, i need.
most importantly, i try my very best, to make you happy.
isnt that what love is about? making someone you love happy?
I would love not to care, i would love not to bring myself all this pain and torture, i would love not to bring myself to a stage where when im alone, everything starts coming in. But if i start doing the 'i would love not to"s then that's the point, where i stop caring, i stop myself from loving. Its the love that hurts, its the love that brings the sadness, its the love that brings about the understanding between two. its why its called love.
Until now i still dont wanna give up, despite everything, i still want you.
do you want me? do you need me? do you really see?
whats the point of saying all this empty words? when its all said with a heavy heart?
I can easily say, "yes im fine", i can easily say, "i love you", i can easily say,"nothing's wrong".
But thats when our relationship will be built on lies, and lies? they are not known for making your relationship strong. they are known for slowly eating it up, destroying it. we've been through so much together, why not a little while longer? why not forever? why not a lifetime?
i want things to work out, i want things to be how it used to be, i want you to show me you care, i want you to understand, i want you to think of me whatever you're doing, i want you to include me in your life, i want to be a part of it, i want you to love me and only me.
im so hurt that i break down eaily nowadays, i become paranoid, i become depressed,angry,upset,mad,jealous easily. what has happened?
this time, too much tears has fallen, too much pain my heart suffered, too much reminders of what has happened, too much misunderstandings, too much meaningless hugs, too much 'im sorry" This is the part where when one learns to ride a bicycle, and falls too hard, the person has a phoebia of riding again.
